It was nothing like what I have heard . No pallid lights , No soothing music , No tunnels . Nothing.
It was agonizingly painful and at the same time such a sense of relief. Yet that seems ages ago . But the events leading to this, I seem to remember so vividly.
From the tangy taste of the white wine before dinner, how tender the main course was , my heart beat raising . Bidding good bye , trying to stop a cab . Deciding walk another block . Walking down the dark alley. The silhouette of the boy in a hoodie against the ocher street light. His teenage voice sounds scared when he screams “Lady give me your money and no body get’s hurt”. I remember thinking to my self , “you come to mug a person with a pocket knife?, you must be joking”
Then it was so sudden and blur . There was a gunshot and seem to fire off from his jacket. After the needle pricks started fading off , I felt warm and wet on my chest…..
And then after what seemed like million years , yet a flickering moment , here I am
And when I opened my eyes , he is here with me. I instantaneously feel the familiar sense of refuge in his company.
“Princess , I have told you not walk alone in the night, City is a dangerous place , and you have to take care of your self” He says and strokes my head.
I seem to bathe in his affection flowing , it’s glowing white and the light in the room seem to grow brighter.
He has the same look he had the day he went away. After he kissed my head and said “See you in two weeks duwa”. He was in his uniform, and I remember thinking to my self My Daddy is handsome . He still is
That is the last we saw him , couple of days later two men in uniform came to our house and they stood near the door and said something to my mom. And the next thing I heard was a loud wail .
I remember it ever so vividly .
But now I feel lost. I am not sure where I am . I think I am dead. Has to be .
“No you are not dead yet” he says . “First you have to make the choice “
“I can’t die , I am too young to die “ I hear my self thinking loud.
“H’mm , but you know ,I died at about your age “ He responds with a smile on his face.
“But , Daddy , I can not die…not yet”
“It is your choice, remember” He re-emphasize.
“ Daddy , when you left that day , I wanted to say I love you , but I didn’t do it, I am sorry “ now I am almost in tear s.
“I know” He says with a deep exhale.
“When I really die , will you be still here?” I am trying to make sense of the situation.
I hear the ER doctor shouting “Clear”. …..Then the “Bleep Bleep Bleep….” of the heart monitor
I hear his voice fading to the distance
“Of course I will always be here”